The picture is still clear in my head about Kurt Cobain, etched into my memory. It was in the beginning of April, 1994. I was still living with my parents and six years younger sister then, and we’d been away for a week, skiing. That day we were on our way home by car, it was dark and we stopped at a gas station to refuel and maybe buy some candy. As we were driving into the lights we saw the front pages of the tabloids posted outside the station. There were three different tabloids in Sweden at that time, but they all spelled out the same words in big black letters. KURT COBAIN IS DEAD. My little sister and I saw them, we simultaneously drew audible breaths and exclaimed “WHAT???” in shocked disbelief. She was 13 and I was 19 and this was a big deal to us.

Why? A young person had died, much too soon. A person who was important to us, because he made music we listened to and liked, but also, and I think this was even more important: because he expressed something like no one had done before. Pain. Raw, stripped down, pure and honest. That’s what we heard in his voice.

It was partly our own pain he expressed. Somehow his voice embodied the pain we felt. Our parents did not understand, of course. Their reaction to our “WHAT???” was a mildly puzzled “What? Who?” but they did not really care. And we did not care that they did not care. Somehow that was significant: Kurt Cobain was an icon, a front figure, a rebel for our generation only. We already knew he was important, and we had a sense that he would be for a long time to come, but we could not in our wildest imaginations have guessed just how much and for how long. Nor did we want to, either. We wanted him to be alive.

Kurt Cobain made groundbreaking music

The music, of course, that was groundbreaking. We had never heard anything like that. I didn’t know the term grunge then, but I knew this was different from anything I’d heard before. It was the first of its kind that reached us across the Atlantic Ocean. But, great music and all, I’m not going to deny that it was Kurt’s voice that appealed to me, that’s what I listened to.

I don’t know much about the person he was. For me, it’s not about that. There are so many theories and I really don’t want to know. I don’t know what was troubling him. I haven’t made much research into it, because I don’t want to. I definitely don’t want to go into speculation, that would be downright disrespectful. He deserves more than that. I just know he was deeply troubled, and therein also lies his greatness. The voice of our generation expressing our pain.

His voice. How do I even begin to describe it?  I can’t. It’s so filled with emotion and pain, it’s impossible to put into words. It speaks for itself. It’s not perfect, and that’s what makes it perfect. The nerve, the intimacy, the desperation – sometimes it’s almost too painful to listen to.

The album I listened to most at that time was the live album MTV Unplugged in New York. For me, it was a bit bold back then. It took my music listening to a new level. I usually listened to music that was much more mainstream, and this was a bit daring and almost forbidden. It was a step towards my freedom and forming my own identity.

The last song “Where Did You Sleep Last Night” was the one I put on repeat and could not stop listening to. Yet, it was – like I said before – almost too painful. It was the most desperate expression of singing I’d ever heard. So pure and honest. And that voice, oh my god. All the pain he must have felt, and the pain so many of us felt at the time, all boiled down and channeled through Kurt’s voice. He broke new territory for us.

Where Did You Sleep Last Night

That very last phrase of “Where Did You Sleep Last Night”, the way he sings it: I’d shiver… the whole……[sigh]… night through…, that’s one of the most beautiful and painful things I’ve ever heard. The way his voice breaks there, it makes me shiver with both pleasure and pain, right down to the core. And looking back now, I can’t help thinking that was Kurt Cobain’s goodbye.

Did he know how great he was? How much he meant and still means? Could he have guessed what legacy he left?

I don’t think so. I don’t know. Of course I don’t. But sometimes I think about it.

Today, Nevermind is my favourite Nirvana album. I think it’s one of the greatest albums of all times, top three on my list. That’s undisputable. I love the whole album all the way through. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” has been played a million times on the radio and I’ve listened to it a million times more. I don’t get tired of it. Ever. I listen a lot to the MTV Unplugged album as well, but it takes a bit more effort. Because it’s so intense, it’s not something I can casually listen to while doing something else. Nevermind, though. Anywhere. Anytime.

All the pain aside, Nirvana can be fun too, let’s not forget that. I love Incesticide. My love for punk and grunge meet there in a perfect mix. I listen to it when I have a craving for Nirvana but don’t want to get too emotional or sad. “Son of a Gun” is a favourite. I can put on repeat and it just makes me so happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nl_jk9V143E

Although Kurt Cobain and Nirvana meant something to me already back in 1994, it wasn’t nearly as much as today. Now I understand more and music means a great deal more to me. That’s why I’ve understood just how important this band was. I know Nirvana wasn’t the first grunge band, but they made the biggest imprint in history. Earlier this year, Nirvana were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in their first year of eligibility. That’s saying something.

Nirvana is undoubtedly one of my favourite bands. I’m so sad I found that out too late, that I never got to see them live, and that I wasnt part of the grunge community and movement back then. Grunge isn’t dead today, but it’s not exactly alive either. There are no new bands and the ones that once were the greatest in grunge have gone a slightly different path. Pearl Jam and Soundgarden are now much closer to mainstream rock than grunge. Alice In Chains is nothing without Layne Staley in my opinion. So what’s left is the old records. Fortunately, they don’t age. I still feel the same chill when I hear “Where Did You Sleep Last Night”. The same mix of pleasure and pain. And I think “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is one of the best songs ever made.

You should have been over 50 years old now, but instead it’s been 30 years since you left us.
I hope you found your peace, Kurt Cobain.
We miss you.
Thank you.

“With the lights out, it’s less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us”
(“Smells Like Teen Spirit”)